The Dreamer's Notebook: Volume Two

[VanillaRose]

The following entries can be found within a small leather notebook that Selis Vhaire carries with her at all times. Each entry is clearly marked, and all are written in a steady, precise feminine script that bears the telltale slant of a left-handed writer.

*

It has been almost two years since I was last in Baldur's Gate. Many things have changed, and many things have stayed the same.

After Zein and I were married, we enjoyed our travels throughout Faerûn as any young newlyweds should enjoy themselves. I left my affairs in capable hands, and I assumed that my new husband and I would return to continue our work with the Performers, the Gazette, and the Emporium once our wanderlust had been sated. After Zein's unexpected and tragic death near Icewind Dale, though, I knew Baldur's Gate held too many painful memories for me. I did not plan to return.

I did make an attempt at returning a few months after Zein's death, but my heart was still too heavy with loss. Had I stayed, Captain (now Commander) Justin Crownsilver of the Flaming Fist would have been there to console me, but I knew it would not be fair to either of us. I left without so much as a word farewell, but I think - I hope - he understood my reasons.

I returned to my native Sembia, and there I immersed myself in my family's mercantile business - the very life I had once sought to escape by coming to Baldur's Gate. The work was dull and uninteresting for the most part, but I stayed busy enough to where my mind could not wander into dark places. I did not accept any romantic invitations even though many of Saerloon's finest gentlemen sought my company. Zein was my first and only love, and I doubt there is anyone who can enrapture me as did he. I am not completely despondent to the idea of falling in love again, but it will take a special kind of man to climb past the barriers I have built around my heart.

I abandoned my music and the arts while I was in mourning. I kept my vast collection of instruments well-maintained, but I refused to play any of them until now. I am still slow and cautious in my approach to resettling myself into Balduran society, but my homecoming has been exceptionally warm and inviting. It is hard for me not to smile at the enthusiasm with which I have been received back into the lives of the people here.

As long as I stay busy, the occasional pangs of sadness do not affect me too much, although the theater itself is a painful daily reminder that I loved and lost. Zein and I built the theater; we were married in it. We were intimate in it. There is no part of it that fails to remind me of him, and my chest hurts when I allow myself to dwell upon the memories. It has been almost two years since Zein's death, but I can still remember with vivid clarity the ceremony Jonas performed that made us husband and wife.

Although I still grieve, I think I am strong enough now to move forward with my life and reclaim some of the happiness I abandoned when I left Baldur's Gate. Already I have made new acquaintances, and Jonas has been a remarkable source of strength and encouragement. It is time for me to ascend the stage of life again, and I have every intention of captivating my audience.

[VanillaRose]

Returning here has been harder than I expected. I was brave and cheerful enough for the first few days, but once the novelty of my presence faded, I was left with an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

Back in Saerloon, I had my family to keep me company - even if their company was, at times, annoying. Here in Baldur's Gate, though, I am faced with the harsh reality that I am completely, utterly alone. I have met a lot of people, but they are simply acquaintances. There is distance between myself and Jonas; he seems so different now. I am loathe to linger near him, because he carries the weight of the Western Heartlands upon his shoulders, and I do not want to add to his burdens.

Still, trouble has already found me in the short time I have been back in the area. My beloved theater seems to have some new occupants, and their leader, Lilly, left me barely conscious to warn me not to fight against them. What am I to do? I cannot thwart them by myself, but when Jonas found me and offered his aid, I immediately refused it. I adamantly insisted that I could handle the situation, because my old friend already has enough worries in his life. Why should I, an old, forgotten memory, clamor for his help when I should be able to take care of myself? It was a mistake for me to tell him anything at all.

Perhaps it was a mistake for me to return. My imagination may be deceiving me, but I see love and happiness everywhere I look. There are so many couples holding hands and exchanging affectionate kisses. Words of adoration are exchanged, and my ears cannot help but hear them. My heart aches, and I must appear desperate or undesirable to the men of the area - not that the feeling is new to me. If only I could find a way to become a beautiful, enticing elven maiden - like Auriel - then perhaps I would know again how it feels to be wanted and cherished. I envy her.

I should not stay here at the theater, but it is MY theater. And even though the wickedness of the creatures in this place frightens me, I find some small measure of comfort in their presence - at least I am not alone. Above all else, loneliness is the worst feeling of all.

[VanillaRose]

I do not know what it is about Baldur's Gate that puts me in such melancholy moods from time to time, but I am glad that this bout of despair has passed for the moment.

I hired a man, known as Mehtar, as my bodyguard and protector against the creatures that reside in my theater. He is terse and tactical, and I think he will prove to be quite useful in the "war" (as he calls it) against Lilly and her flock. I offered him room and board at the theater in addition to daily payments for his protective services. Part of me cringes at the knowledge that I am literally paying a man to stay with me, but I refuse to enlist Jonas' help, and I know I cannot fight the vampires alone. If nothing else, Mehtar is at least handsome enough that I will not grow tired of looking at him during his continuous presence. I simply hope he will be enough to solve the problem.

I cannot worry about the theater's infestation right now, though. No, I have too much work that I must handle! Part of me dreads all the effort that is involved with re-establishing the Performers and the Gazette, but the other part of me is surprised and gleeful that so many people have asked me when they can expect the next play or paper. I hope my good fortune holds, because I know how discouraged I can get when setbacks happen, and I no longer have Zein's shoulder upon which I can cry.

I imagine, though, I would have Tiberius' shoulder if I needed it. He has peppered me with flattery and compliments almost every time he has seen me, and I must admit that it feels nice to hear such flowery words. I am not sure how I feel about him, but then I wonder if I am supposed to feel anything at all? I have never excelled at courtships, and I am oftentimes too nice for my own good. Still, he and I have experienced similar grief with the sudden loss of someone we loved, so we have a common bond. I suppose all I can do is wait and see what happens.

[VanillaRose]

I am restless. My sleep was filled with fitful bouts of tossing and turning, and my mind simply refused to quit thinking about old memories.

Why do I speak when I know it is foolish to part my lips?

I do not know why I told Mehtar about my past. What care does he have about my life? It was cathartic to tell someone, but his visage was emotionless even as I cried in front of him. I should have known better than to say anything, but he politely acknowledged that he knew now why the theater was so important to me.

He is not a friend. He is barely an acquaintance. He is simply a hired hand who is supposed to keep me safe. I know that when the threat has ended and Lilly and her cohorts are defeated that Mehtar will offer a meaningless farewell and depart. He is a mercenary; why I expect him to be a friend is proof of my foolishness. I do not pay him to be my friend.

Still, I am lonely. I have not spoken more than a few words to Jonas since our disagreement in Beregost. He is a busy man, and he has a relationship - a happy, loving relationship with a kind-hearted woman. I am happy for him, and her, but his words to me in Beregost started a swirl of "what-if's" that I have not been able to shake from my thoughts. He is a good man, and I wish there were more men in the area who possessed his protective, caring grace and sense of romance. I think I am destined to be the wistful maiden whose search for "happily ever after" will prove ever-elusive.

I will never admit as much in public, though. No, I am the epitome of optimism! There is always hope - if I am speaking to someone else. It is easy for me to offer encouragement; I can be persuasive when I set my mind to it. If I could bother to believe my own words, though, I might be a lot happier.

I do have my moments, however. Talking about anything related to the theater and performing fills me with joy, and I find myself with more and more ideas to entertain the people of the Western Heartlands. I am also enthusiastic about re-launching the Gazette, too. It would appear that many newcomers to the area desire coin, and I am pleasantly surprised at the willingness to gather information and write articles.

Even if I do not find complete happiness, I am glad to know that my efforts to help others find happiness are somewhat working.

[VanillaRose]

The two men in my life (relatively speaking) both said things to me that have made me think.

"I learned the hard way a long time ago that the only thing ye can truly rely on is good steel, and yer own hands."Mehtar spoke those words to me after I had a tense conversation with Jonas near the campfire and then returned to the theater so I could be emotional in private. Jonas, bless his heart, approached me smiling and happy as if nothing was amiss between us. Simply seeing him after he has avoided me for days upon days was enough to incur my anger; that he thought to grace me with his presence as if I were some simpleton in need of him fueled my rage.

I could feel his confusion as I left the campfire. The bond between us is still there, but it is incredibly weak. I have no idea how it works, but I have tried my best to keep my feelings hidden from him. Why should I let him know about my life when he is obviously too busy to care?

I think he finally understood when I spoke to Joan after the storytelling festival. She and I, in our whirlwind of conversation, started discussing paladins, love, and romance. When I remarked that paladins are typically so busy that they do not have time for the people closest to them, I think my words and actions finally made sense to Jonas. His smile faded, and he whispered to me before he brushed past me and Joan to leave: "I am so sorry, Selis. I will always love you."

Is that so, my old friend? Is that why you have barely bothered to offer me condolences for the loss of my beloved Zein? Do you even know how he died? What about my work? Have you even asked about it? Have you inquired again to see if the creatures have left my theater? Do you know anything about my life at all? No. No, you know nothing, Jonas Rokranon. How can you claim to love me if you do not even treat me as a friend?

One day I will tell him all of these things, and we will either reforged the bonds of friendship that we used to share, or we will sever them altogether. And what frightens me the most is that I do not know what will happen. Perhaps I was gone too long; perhaps we have changed too much. But even in our younger days, when we would bicker, I always knew Jonas would be my friend in the end.

Now I am not so sure.

[VanillaRose]

The writing within this entry is erratic and shaky.

Glimmers of hope sparkled in your eyes, dear.
And I know they sparkled in my eyes, too.
Now all that's left is my flowing tears,
because I know I will never have you.

Was I not pretty enough? Tell me, please.
Can I even trust the words from your lips?
You'd say anything to put me at ease -
all the while your hands are upon my hips.

Is this your vengeance? Are you happy now?
My poor shattered heart did not need this pain.
But at least you did not break your vow -
and content with this fact you may remain.

You made your choice, and I was not the one.
I did say I knew this all from the start.
All that we shared between us comes undone,
and I'm the one left with a broken heart.

You will return to your neat, normal life.
Into your memories I will then fade.
You will love her; you will make her your wife.
And I will forevermore feel betrayed.

You gave me hope; it glimmered in my eyes.
I indulged myself in the dream of "us".
But now, my love, we have said our goodbyes -
our once-strong bond simply crumbled to dust.

[VanillaRose]

It has been close to two weeks since I have last touched quill to parchment, and so much has happened that I would be writing for another two weeks if I attempted to record everything.

What matters at this moment, as I sit here in a fine-looking room in Candlekeep, is that the man still sleeping beside me holds my heart. Our romance was forged in chaos, and we have swirled together in a wild vortex of our own creation. I picture us turning around and around in the funnel - desperately trying to reach for each other when only our fingertips could touch. Now, though, the storm has passed, and we are safe in each other's arms at last.

We have received support. We have received condemnation. I was the villain who ruined him in the eyes of some, and he was the betrayer who broke my spirit in the eyes of others. Yet, I am also the one who makes him whole, and he is the one who mended my shattered heart. I would wonder how two people with such opposite demeanors can still walk down the same happy path together, but it is our differences that draw us closer to each other. He craves my free spirited nature, my creativity, and my passion for life. I crave his loyal, dutiful, protective nature and the calm stability and guidance he provides.

I gaze at him now; his silver hair is mussed from his slumber. His handsome face looks peaceful and serene. I can still smell the faintest tinge of smoke from where he gallantly found that last barrel of alchemist fire, and I find myself smiling when I think about the way his cheeks redden when I teased him about it. I would claim that never in my wildest dreams did I picture myself being the secret wife of one of my dearest friends, but when he confessed how he felt to me, I pictured many, many things.

Is it fate, then, that brought me back to Baldur's Gate? My love and I have both left this place, and we both have returned to it. Did we know, I wonder, that we were waiting for each other? I like to think that in our hearts, we knew we had to find each other - and that is why we returned, albeit at different times. (What can I say? I am a performer. I was fashionably late!) Ours is a love that was formed a long time ago, and if I look back at certain arguments we had in the past, I can admit that there was something more than friendship that held our hearts.

Still, it was not our time back then. I had Zein, and I loved him. There is a part of me that will always love him. I find it ironic that Zein and I were bound together in marriage by the very man who sleeps beside me now. My love told me that performing the rite to wed me to someone else was one of the hardest things he has faced, and I was completely unaware of how he felt. He and I both know, though, that had he confessed his love for me then, our friendship would have been lost and we would not know the love and happiness that we have together now. Our moment is now, and our forevermore is waiting.

I do not make it a point to sign my name after the words I write, but I have yet to write my new, married name. I will not use it until my love and I are formally wed, and I really want to be recognized for my own contributions and be a true "lady" in my own right before I simply inherit my husband's titles. It is important to me that I keep my own identity, because his is so large and well-known that I could easily be swallowed by it. I am more than simply his wife, and as much as I love him, I refuse to let his fame define me. I have defined and will continue to define myself independent of him, and he understands and respects my viewpoint. In fact, I think my ability to function just fine without him is part of why he loves me. He does not have to coddle me, because I can take care of myself.

I do, however, enjoy the moments when we take care of each other.

~Selis Vhaire Rokranon

[VanillaRose]

Red cord around my wrist
I was bound to you
Red cord around my finger
forevermore to be true

Forsaken am I now
the lowest of the low
thoughts and feelings cast aside
my lover turned into my foe

And for what? Your vows?
never did I ask you to stray
but I should be important, too
I cannot live my life this way

Love and faith can coincide
but you refuse to bend
and so I break instead
loving you until the bitter end

[VanillaRose]

When did I become the villain?

Every story is supposed to have the handsome, dashing man. Every story is supposed to have the lovely, kind maiden. And every story is supposed to have the sinister, dark villain. The man and the maiden are supposed to work together, forging their bonds of love and trust and loyalty along the way, to overcome the villain's wicked schemes.

I am not the lovely, kind maiden anymore - at least in the eyes of the populace. The elves hated me for "corrupting" the paladin; he finally freed himself of my influence, so I hope he and "his" friends are happy together at last. The other papers hate me for who-knows-why. My beloved theater was burned to strike at me. I returned here in the hopes of rebuilding my life, but I have endured setback after setback after setback. I feel the eyes of others upon me, and they are judging me as someone unworthy. They are judging me as the villain.

What have I done? Why am I ostracized? I have done nothing wrong! I am empty and alone; I am HURTING and everyone seems to think I deserve the pain. Life continues for him and everyone else as if nothing was amiss. Was I simply a rock over which he stumbled as he walked down the path of his life? It would be fitting, I suppose, since rocks are barely above dirt - and I was treated as if I were barely above dirt.

Lamentations accomplish nothing, though. All the pain within me can swirl and fester, but life continues regardless. The theater is all I have left that I love, and I have worked hard to rebuild it in grand style. There are things I would still change if we had the space, but future additions are not impossible. Perhaps one day I can build a proper second floor and give all the Performers their own private rooms.

The theater. The Performers. The Gazette. I have my work to keep me company, but I keep a modicum of hope that a smart, charming, handsome, kind, and single gentleman will find his way to the Western Heartlands. There already are so many beautiful, smart, lovely ladies here, though. I imagine such a man would be claimed before he even made it past the great gate.

Do I even want to fall in love again? The third time is supposed to be the charm, or so it is said. It took a special man to ease the heartache that I felt after Zein's death; it will take an even better man to ease a double dose of pain. Still, I will try towards that elusive pursuit of happiness - what else can I do but try?

Not that I think it matters anymore.

[VanillaRose]

Insignificant.

I always feel less than nothing whenever someone I know walks up to me and the person with whom I am conversing and then only greets that person. Am I not worthy of a "hello"? People ought to learn that it is good manners to acknowledge the presence of others. Everyone likes to feel acknowledged.

Ignored.

Life continues as normal. People who used to talk to me when I was the arm adornment of the paladin now politely smile and make their excuses to leave. I used to be a "sister", but now I am little more than an afterthought. They all bask in the attention and the glory of the Gods. Again and again... the who's who of the area conglomerate and frolic together, and I am left looking through the window at them. Duchess Jannath never asked me for tea at the palace. Duke Eltan did not invite me to his dinner. All my hard work is ignored and overlooked, and I find myself with that familiar feeling of "flee" that suggests I should return to Saerloon and leave all the beautiful people to their beautiful adventures.

Lonely.

Smile. Laugh. Nod. Wave. Yes, I know a lot of people. Yes, a lot of people know me. I think they all think that I am so busy that they should leave me alone, and as a result I am left alone. I feel so uninvolved with life. I work and work and work and work and work and work, and I still get treated like discarded trash - and by people who should act a touch more merciful. I just avoid them now as a result. Their lives are fine enough without me in it, and the Gods know I do not want to burden anyone with my existence or presence.

Angry.

I have told Solus numerous times that I do not want anything from him other than friendship, but the boy persists in trying to romance me. I try to avoid him, and I am already regretting the promotion I gave him. He makes me uncomfortable. I still have not forgotten the way he treated me in Beregost, but I thought I would forgive him since he is a good employee. If he continues making me feel as if he will try something else to force a romance between us, I will have to cut our ties.

I am so full of anger and hatred right now. The constant negativity of this life keeps pulling at me, and there is no light glimmering in the distance to beckon me towards hope. It is as if all I touch turns to ash, and I am tired of fighting against the impossible. There is only so much that a woman like me can endure. I am not a crusader. I am not a savior of peoples.

I am just a damned useless bard. What good am I to this life?

[VanillaRose]

Of all the unique and interesting creatures I have encountered in my young life, there are no creatures more baffling and unpredictable than men.

The attention I have received is flattering, and it is nice to be complimented. I have received more flowers in the past tenday than I have received in the past ten years. I have received more charming smiles, invitations to dinner, and pulled-out chairs than I have ever experienced in my life. And the question I keep asking myself is, "why?"

It took me two years after Zein's death to reach the point where I was ready to open my heart, and the result was beautiful, passionate chaos that brightly flashed and then fizzled into nothingness. Loving someone with that level of intensity and then abruptly ending the relationship has left me disoriented and uncertain even though I know we had no other choice. There are times when I wonder if he still thinks about me, or if he misses me, but the whispers on the wind tell me otherwise.

There is love and happiness all around me. Gareut and Nari... Siomir and Joan... Tessian and Meri... Sir Crownsilver and Valqis... most of the people close to me have a companion, and it makes me happy to see them all so happy. But I would be lying if I said I was not envious. The soft touch of hands, the murmured words into ears that result in a suggestive eyebrow wiggle - I want to experience those things again.

Am I ready, though? I was asked to dinner by Jack Artreri, and I agreed, but I already know that he wants to be with me right now. He said that his biggest challenge would be remaining patient with me, and I suddenly felt pressured and nervous. Rushing into a relationship was one of the many causes of my last failed one, and I do not want to repeat the same mistakes. Jack sent me a flower and signed the note with "love"; how is this attempt at courtship supposed to work if he is already alluding to love when I am not even sure that there is a spark of attraction between us?

I have found a kindred spirit in Valqis, though. We are the same age, and she has similar reservations about Sir Crownsilver. She wants to proceed with slow serenity; he wants to find a wife and a mother for his children. She and I chatted at length at the merchant camp, and I think we formed the foundation for a long-lasting, sisterly bond. It will be nice to have a confidant with whom to converse about love and relationships.

Love and relationships are just as baffling and unpredictable as men. I am not sure if I will ever understand - and maybe that is for the best.