Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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"Salim!! You have to calm down! This Golem is going to wreck your laboratory and kill us all if you don't!"


"SHUT UP!! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!"

"Salim, Listen! We're not trying to manipulate you! We're trying to HELP YOU!


"NO! You're just like ALL THE OTHERS!!" I'm nothing to you but a TOOL TO BE USED!!"

"LOOK OUT, BETA!"

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"HOLY HELL!! THIS THING HAS A FLAMETHROWER!?



"Salim must have incorporated the Alchemist Fire in the Laboratory into it's body somehow!! He's literally created a Fire-breathing Golem!!"

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"SALIM! YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS NOW!! YOU'RE GOING TO BURN DOWN THE WHOLE ESTATE!"


"YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR HOME!!!!"


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"My...my home....my home...."

"The Golem! It's powering down!!"

Chaos is relative. What is normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly.
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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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"I'm....I"m so sorry Alpha, Beta, I just...I just feel so Used."


"We understand, Salim. We're Machines. Constructs. Built with singular functions. Though we're infinitely more advanced than the scrapheaps that most people call "Golems" on this miserable Plane of Existence we are still just that: Machines. You taught us to feel. You taught us to understand emotion. Love. Fear. Friendship. Pain. You've given us a great gift. Which is why...we sympathize."



"You're right, Salim. It's not fair. It's NOT fair that Gods get to play with mortals as if they were their toys. But it is quite possible, with your powers, that Gond has chosen you to fulfill a greater purpose. Maybe you are one of His Chosen. Maybe you are not. What you have is potential."



"Whether or not you realize it you have been given a great gift. The power of Comprehension. The power to understand the intrinsic nature of the multiverse. To see what makes it up. How it's put together. How the pieces of the Machine that is Reality all fit together to make it tick."


"A machine...that is BROKEN."


"It is certainly not PERFECT. But for all of the "Kinks" in the machine it HAS been running for BILLIONS of years. And likely will for Billions more. Long after we're gone."



"We've been around for thousands of years, Beta and I. Many Planes we have walked. The planes are infinite in their splendor. Infinite in their horror. The monsters that exist in the far reaches of reality are far more terrifying than the most horrific nightmares any Mortal Man can dare to dream. As you've seen, staring into the Far Realm."



"But those Horrors are not unbeatable. With your knowledge, Artificer, and with the experience you have dealing with such monsters you may very well be the single greatest weapon that exists to combat them."


"That's the problem, Beta. It's as you said. I'm not a person to the Gods. I'm a Weapon. A tool to be used until I'm no longer needed and cast aside. As are all mortals to the Gods. Toys to be played with. Tools to be manipulated. Completely disposable. Completely Expendable."


"We're machines, Salim. We understand, better than any other creature in the multiverse...what it feels like to be Expendable. We are Inevitable...because we are so Many. But in the end..we are individual Cogs in a much greater machine. Machines stable enough to function WITHOUT US."



"If only Mankind were so easily aware of their own insignificance in the Machine. But, no, the Hubris of Man shall lead us ever to think that this entire Machine, this entire wonderful Engine that is Creation functions solely because WE are obviously at it's CENTER. And it all revolves around US. Heh! The nerve of people, really. Completely unaware that if we mortals vanished without a trace the Engine would continue to revolve on it's own."


"Not many humans have gazed into the depth of the multiverse as you have, Thaumaturge. Far too many people have only seen the world that exists right in front of their eyes. Blissfully unaware of the vastness of creation in comparison to their meager lives. Enlightenment that you could bring them, if you so wished."



"I've no desire to be a teacher to anyone. I don't want the headache. And besides: Everybody thinks I'm bat-sh-t crazy anyways. Not as if they'd ever listen to a word I had to say."



"All great geniuses were stark-raving mad lunatics to their peers at one point, Salim. An apple falls upon a man's head, and he gains an epiphany about Gravity. The rest of his peers wonder why the poor lad is rambling about the importance of Falling Fruit."


"Are you somehow implying that you're an Apple, Beta?"
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"Do you really want HIM to land on your head?"


"Point made."

Chaos is relative. What is normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly.
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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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"Now that we know you are capable of building a Golem subconsciously through your rage let's see what you are capable of through OTHER feelings."



"Indeed. Artificier...have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a FATHER?"


"I...have wondered. At times. I never knew my own father. And I assume Brandilynn informed you about what happened with my Mother."


"She did."


"So the truth is: I've wondered what it would be like to be a father, but I've never truly had parents of my own. I was passed around from one Courtesan to the next. Sharessian Festhalls, especially those owned by Bedine, raise their children communally. Bedine do everything together. Sleep together. Bathe together. Therefore their children are raised by the community as a whole, not merely by singular parents."



"So why not try and build yourself a child, Salim? You built that monstrosity out of your Rage. Let us see, now, what you could build out of...LOVE.."


"Alright then."

"Close your eyes. Imagine all the times you've ever felt loved. Imagine all the times you were ever held. All the times you were ever given affection."


"I...never was."


"Oh?"


"I was a Bastard. Just another stray. The Temple demanded that the Priesthood of Sharess care for me, but...they cared for me because our Goddess demanded it. Not out of any actual...Love."


"Have you never felt the emotion?"


"My brain...it works differently than most. There are simply certain emotions that I lack the power to feel."


"What emotions are those?"


"Love. Empathy. I am what is known as..."


"A Sociopath."



"That explains so much about you, Salim. Your inability to sympathize or empathize with other people. Your inability to truly care for others. You can simulate the emotion, feign it when necessary, just like the synthetic emotions you have programmed into us."


"Yes."


"It makes sense. When your brain mutated while you were in the womb it became much like the minds of creatures in the Far Realm. Partitioned. Capable of absorbing and processing VAST amounts of information. The downside: The parts of the brain that control empathy, emotion..."


"Are almost completely inactive."


"Correct. Your mind, truly, functions very much like a machine. Off of Logic. Reason. Emotions very rarely, if ever, factor into your decisions."


"There's a reason people think I am evil. No. Not Evil, per se. Merely...UNCARING."



"This is why the Cosmos requires the Inevitables, Artificier. The cosmos requires beings without feeling, without remorse, beings with the power to act without allowing their emotions to sway their hand. It is the function of the Inevitables: We are the Arbiters of Law because we follow the LAW. Our emotions and personal opinions mean nothing..."


"..because you do not have them. At least MOST of you."

"Correct."


"But now, Salim, you have given us LIFE. You have given us the power to FEEL. Truly the greatest gift of all!"


"Is it truly, though?"

"Do you not think so?"


"You feel emotions, yes. But tell me: Do you feel PAIN? Do you feel FEAR?"



"I suppose we do now? I assume you have given us those emotions?"


"Oh, yes. Pain and Fear are necessary for understanding Humor, after all."


"In what regard?"


"The reason some jokes strike a nerve, and resonate with people, is because those jokes play upon their own personal pain and fear. Fear of things like Death, for instance. The reason that jokes about Death tend to be so funny is because Death is something that all people have in common. Rich. Poor. White. Black. Human. Drow. They all die. Death is the single unifying thing that unites all races. Thus jokes about Death transcend race. Meaning, of course.."


"They are Universally Funny."



"Tell us a joke about Death, Artificier. It is not something we understand..."


"As you wish..."

Chaos is relative. What is normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly.
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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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An Engineer, a human male named Bill dies and goes to the Fugue. After a PAINFULLY long wait in line it finally comes his time to be Judged and he stands before the Planetar that's been assigned to oversee his case.
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"Well, Bill!" says the Planetar "Based on what I'm seeing here you're a decent enough bloke: Hard-working, pay your taxes. But you like to drink. You like to smoke. And you're a notorious skirt-chaser. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to send you to Hell...but only for a Year. Long enough to straighten you out, then we'll bring you back and re-evaluate your case!"

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So poor Bill goes to Hell for one year. After a year passes the Planetar is checking his "To-do" list for the day and sees a Reminder: "Check on Bill."



So the Planetar uses his Magic Mirror and calls none other than ASMODEUS.

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"Hey, Moe!!" says the Planetar "I need you to send up that Engineer, Bill. His time is up, time for him to come back up for re-evaluation."

But Asmodeus snidely replies "No. I'm going to keep him!"

"What!? WHY!?" replies the Planetar.

"Bill's great! We've got indoor plumbing now! He's completely redesigned our Irrigation system, put in a new Traffic-control system for the Styx! I can't wait to see what he does next!"



The planetar, furiously, commands the Devil King: "You're going to send him up now, or we're going to sue!"

But Asmodeus, completely unphased, merely smiles a fanged smile. And he proceeds to ask the Angel:

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"And where in the HELL are YOU gonna get a LAWYER!?"
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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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"Ah..HAHA!! HAHAHA!!


"BAHAHA!!!


"You like that one, do you?"


"Oh, Salim, Salim. It's Funny because it's WRONG on so many levels as to how it would actually work. But it was an amusing anecdote."


"Enlighten me then, oh teachers."


"So in this case "Bill" the Engineer has been sentenced to exactly one year. Asmodeus' task, as given to him by the Pact Primeval, does not allow Asmodeus to JUDGE. It only allows him to PUNISH. Therefore Asmodeus has no authority to keep a Soul beyond their measured "sentence."


"Fascinating...continue."


"In this aforementioned joke "Bill" the Engineer, being that he is being forced to stay beyond the extension of his sentence, Asmodeus is currently in violation of the terms of the imprisonment of Bill's soul. Ownership for one year. At that point the Planetar would be WELL within his rights to demand an Inevitable be sent to act as Enforcement."



"And make no mistake: Not even a superpower such as the King of all Devils would EVER want to wage a war with the Inevitables of Mechanus. Quite simply because he knows he simply doesn't have the NUMBERS to fight both US and the Tanar'Ri simultaneously."



"So in the previous example of your joke, Salim, Asmodeus' would be given an Ultimatum. Surrender "Bill's" soul to the Planetar, as per the Pact Primeval's tenants...or Bill's soul will be FORCIBLY removed from him. With severe collateral damage likely to occur."


"I see. So the Inevitables are quite literally the enforcers of Cosmic contracts."


"I could not have put it more eloquently myself, Artificier."



"So let us take the joke a step further, shall we?"


"How so?"


"Let us say that Asmodeus DOES in fact wish to claim permanent ownership of Bill. After all, this soul seems important enough to Asmodeus to warrant going to war with the Inevitables. So let us say that Asmodeus DOES in fact choose to personally contest it."


"Go on, this is interesting."


"Suppose that Asmodeus does in fact wish to contest it. Perhaps he claims that during Bill's time in Hell Bill was so corrupted through his time there that he's no longer able to enter Heaven. That he "Truly belongs in Hell."


"Interesting."



"In this case it would require an Inevitable of INCREDIBLE power to oversee such an IMPORTANT case. After all: If Asmodeus HIMSELF is willing to "Sue" for the right to claim Bill's soul...it MUST BE. Meaning that likely the only Inevitable that could reasonably be called to officiate such an IMPORTANT argument..."

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"PRIMUS. THE GRAND ARBITER."

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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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"Well, now that you've properly educated me...I suppose it's time to try again? To build my Golem?"


"Indeed it is."



"Let's start off with something hopefully LESS destructive than a fire-breathing robot, eh?"


"Right...sorry about that..."


"Salim, you're able to subconsciously project your own emotions onto your Golems when you build them. They become...like extensions of you."




"Indeed they are You are taking a piece of your mind, your heart, your soul, and pouring it into an external container."


"...like a Lich. Building a Phylactery. Alpha? Beta? Are you....preparing me for LICHDOM!?


"Oh, heavens no Salim. We're Inevitables. We're absolutely against that sort of thing. No. This isn't you cheating death by putting your soul in a box. This is like...creating a minor extension of yourself. Like having a child. Merely one built from scratch, as it were."


"No, Beta, a PIE is something you make from scratch. Not a living being.."



"To quote a very wise man who, like you, was notorious for his smoking of herbs...

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"If you wish to make an Apple Pie from Scratch...you must first Invent the Universe."(( -- Carl Sagan ))



"I didn't realize that Pie held the secrets to the cosmos."


"We wouldn't know. We've never had pie. We don't eat."


"...Bollocks! No being should live without pie!!"

"We have no sense of smell, nor taste. We would not know good pie if we had it. Not to mention we do not "Live" per se.."


"I wonder. Do you think it would be possible to give a machine a synthetic sense of Touch, Taste, and Smell?"


"You know...I'm not entirely certain!! I..suppose we could try it!!"



"Indeed, it would be a good experiment..."


"Very well then. Alpha. Beta. Before I build my own Golem...I'm going to improve the two of you. By giving you tactile and olfactory senses. And then...I'm going to bake you a pie!"

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Re: Salim el-Faddir: Archmage of Anarchy

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For nine whole days I worked, toiling endlessly, experimenting on Alpha and Beta. We talked of many things. The Planes. Life. Death. They asked me about all manners of things that they had never gotten to experience. Sex. Drugs. Music. Things that they knew about but had never truly been able to understand from a mortal's perspective.

As for olfactory, the power to smell, fortunately for me there existed such a magic item already that I was able to craft. A device that specifically grants a Golem creature the powerful scent ability akin to a wolf, known as a Tracker's Mask.

As for the tactile that one was a bit harder, but doable. There exists a spell, a Symbol of Pain. Much like the Emotion runes the symbol creates artificial pain in the subject, wracking them with agony. Altering the spell, decreasing it's potency, allowed for the same artificial stimulation of pain sensors. Minor ones. That allowed the Golems to experience the sensation of touch.

As for taste: Well, that one was nigh impossible. After all: there is no spell that truly exists to give something taste that doesn't have it.

After all...have you seen the way I dress? Ba Dum Tss.



However I did discover a solution through the use of Psionics, of all things. There does exist a Psionic power that allows the senses to become "cross-wired" as it were. It grants the user the power to "Hear" the light to be able to see if they are blind. Much like Blindsense, but it does in fact extend to the power of all five senses.

It is a Psionic power that is named after an actual condition that exists within the minds of some humans...myself included.

It is called SYNESTHESIA.

Some human beings possess the power to "See" music. For some musicians, in fact, their songs might appear to them as floating motes of light. Synesthesia is a condition that often-times occurs in people with traumatic head injuries. Or, in my case, because my brain is...different than most.

"Autistic." That was one of the words used by Beta. "Idiot Savant" was another. They tried to explain them to me. To explain how my mind was more "mechanical" than most humans.



After the ninth day of working the runes were completed upon Alpha and Beta. And during that time that I worked upon them I gained much wisdom from watching their inner workings.

It was not unlike Annam All-Father. Who spent Nine Days pierced upon his own spear upon the Ysgardian World Tree, the Ygdrassil. Peering into the depths of the roots of the tree to gain the knowledge of the Runes.

The Runes that would allow his children's children's children to remember his name, so that he could never be Forgotten.

Gods are beings who have transcended mortality. But it was Annam All-Father who truly saw to it that they would become Immortal: By insuring that their names were preserved through History. Annam sought the means to conquer Death. It was only through the wisdom that he gained from the Runes that he learned Death's darkest secret:

Death occurs twice.

The first time when your soul leaves your body.

And Final Death when your memory leaves the world.



I kept my word to Alpha and Beta. After nine days of no sleep, powered entirely through magical resurgence and more coffee than any human being should ever have the right to drink---
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---it was done.
Chaos is relative. What is normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly.
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