The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Balthomer
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The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Mirtul, 4 1355

It's been 3 days since I arrived on Sshamath, I have met many Illythirii, jalils and jaluks, some friendly, some not so friendly, this city is so different from Menzobarranzan, so different that I thought about lowering my guard for a moment, but I soon discovered this is not the place to do so, though it's refreshing to know that not everyone is a spider kisser, I must be very careful, so far keeping a low profile seems to be the best choice I have.

So much has happened on these few days, this journal is a way for me to not lose my sanity, since there are so many things that I just can't tell anyone else, may the Moonmaiden guide me towards my destiny, I no longer fear death, but maybe my life can serve a greater purpose now that I have seen her and I know that she cares for me, this time I will keep my journal with my person at all times.

I cannot believe that I saw her, for a moment I thought that another illythirii was just spying on me and playing a joke...but she knew, she knew who I am, she told me "Trust your heart, not your blood." She made me shed a tear, a tear of happiness, joy and hope, I have never felt this way before, I did not think that I would feel hopeful, here in this place, I am alone, but this does not mean I will stop looking, Quinn is the one I can trust the most so far, makes sense that the one I trust the most is not someone of my same blood, how can I trust another drow, after all they did to me? Does this means I do not trust myself? Of course not, I know how different I am, my scars are proof of this, my scars prove my suffering and my fight, that I am a survivor, that I am not kissing the spider.

The jalils I met, they are so beautiful, yet so dangerous, though I doubt I will ever fall in love again, not like before, not like I used to, some seemed to like me, probably just to use me, which is fine, I dont expect more from drow,I don't know, time will tell, but I have to be very wary still, I have no more space for more scars and Parhlebum, he is no longer here....How I miss you my friend! But this is not the time to dwell on the loss, he did everything he could for me, he died for me, Parhlebum, old friend, your death will not be in vain, love saved me once, you loved me like a son and I loved you like a father...

Is this truly weakness? Even the Moonmaiden told me to hide it, to not display any kindness, to my kind, I have to be wary, I have to listen to my heart, not to my blood....I am so thankful with her, she has blessed me, I will die for her, if that is what she wants from me, I die for her, but if she wants me to live...then I will cling to life! This precious life that costed Parhlebum's his, is now my responsability....I am not alone, she stands with me, and she gives me strength.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Mirtul, 5 1355

This one has been meditating and thinking about his encounter with Her, never before seen such beauty, I need to learn more about this mystery, this one cannot believe the lies told about Her at Tier Breche, all I have of her is the promise of Hope and this vision...I know it was Her, it had to be, this faith burns inside me, yet I am ignorant of how to even pray to Her, "Follow your heart, Vuzaer", through the darkness, a light must shine, yet, this kindness must remain hidden, a gift, to be kept, from those who would destroy it, those who keep darkness in their heart, must never touch this Sacred flame, for they will not understand it.

My friend Quinn search for a light, in his mind, to discover what lies forgotten and deep beyond within him, out of his conscious reach, how could I help him? This is very frustrating because this one knows nothing of use, but he hopes that his presence is able to at least help bear the burden of ignorance a bit, at least new memories can replace the old forgotten ones.

May She guide me through these tunnels into the truth, seek a light in the dark, this one needs to work more on how to contact the faithful, the spider kissers are abound and screaming for blood, I escaped them one time at Menzoberranzan but the cost was very high, one that this one is not willing to pay again, so in stealth and secret, the path must be found.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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6 Mitrul 1355

More goblins, it seems this time they destroyed an slave caravan, but they did not even loot it, just burned it down and killed everyone and then left. After this, I encountered the jabress Mehbrien, the blue eyed one, the tiefling Zarishka also joined us and we searched the cave for more goblins, it seems that the Quellar is in alert , probably due to the goblin activity.

Their numbers seem to be growing at an alarming rate and it seems that more than one tribe are involved in these shenanigans. I will try to not get too involved directly, but if I can get some information maybe it can mean some gold to the right people...

I hate this place, it's just a bit better than Menzoberranzan, maybe I should go back to Mantol Derith....

I don't know, we will see.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Mirtul 8 1355

This cycle has been strange.

Set up a barriccade on the second floor at the goblin tribe cavern, I took in an old unnocupied room they had and made Conach watch while I was resting and planning my attack.

It is clear to me that the leadership of this goblin tribe is down here and peraphs an answer could be found, yet I realized that I was not alone in these caverns.
I heard fighting...and a very loud voice...and then, a demon spider...I realized that the goblins were the least of usstan problems in this place, I quickly hide behind the wall and tried to watch as much as I could, I realized that I need to run for a hiding place near an exit if things went wrong...I went into one of the goblin resting rooms and closed the door...Then I saw the spider kisser caravan...With them a giant sargtlin, the same one I saw at the tavern the other day, a towering jabbuk, a killing machine.

I wonder what happened to the twins who went with him...Haven't seen them ever since, pity, I hope they didn't die, especially the jalil.

Then, a bigger monster appeared... Image

I wonder what kind of deals this Quellar has made, but it seems they are favored by the Enemy...It is time for me to move, these hunting grounds are too dangerous for me.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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10 Mirtul 1355

The Underdark has been a very busy place, especially Gloura's Wing, this faeri is doing really well, and there is no trouble at all, only drow and sometimes other races just drinking, though the other day two drow were having a dispute, apparently they are rivals, they both drew their weapons but just stared at teach other, I was feeling a little bored and suggested maybe they could take it outside an have honorable one on one combat, since I doubted Gloura's would like to deal with such petty matters herself.

I saw how The Drow with the Hat and Boots with Spurs was being very thrilled by this, so I walked up to him to tell him something about the situation, but then I heard a voice, very low, very muffled behind all the other higher voices on the tavern , I did not see who said this and I am not sure I recognized the voice, since it was just a whisper, but I clearly heard someone say "Honor? Why not just slice his throat"... This put me on edge and I realized how dangerous this place was becoming, then, I saw her, she entered the tavern gracefully and with pride, measuring each step carefully and gracefully in such way that could only be described as dazzling, delicate and magnificent. She was wearing her armor, a great combatant, strong, smart and brave, she is one of the few people that I would actually trust in combat, as most of the time I always have to watch my "allies" every other second just to make sure they don't backstab me, this is like Menzoberranzan sometimes, fighting other races on the front while having a drow dagger and a hand crossbow poisoned bolt stuck on the back, yet when I fight with her, I feel safe, I do not think she is a liar, at first I did not knew if she was real or not, "An Inquisitor" I thought in my mind, looking for heretics like me...yet it turned out things weren't as I thought they would, for the first time in my life, I am glad I was wrong, because meeting her and being enlightened by her has been a blessing in this dark place.

She taught me about the Crown Wars and the Truth, I have finally broke free from the enslaving chains of lies told to me at Tier Breche in Sorcere, and by my elders at the Quellar back home...can I still call that place home? Was it ever my home in the first place? I guess it was home as long as Parhlebum was there, then Mantol-Derith, oh how the times change, so does this one change too, Usstan need to survive here, this is becoming more and more complex everyday, as even having a conversation regarding certain things is dangerous, yet, shadows protect us, a warm mantle of darkness and guile, She is very capable, she even teleported us to a safe place, the Gnome Town, how I love that place, though it is a bit boring after a while, since danger is something that I cannot seem to get enough of. So I can never be there for too long.

There are many things pending, last time I spoke with the vhaeraunite she showed me things that others seldom show, open about something, she has gained my trust, somehow, she lowered down her permanent guard and poise, she has surprised me, once again, I do feel bad asking for her help, I feel I do not deserve it, I have to pay her back, I know I already paid the cloak back to her but still, she has been extremely helpful and I just don't understand her, this intrigues me, she is very beautiful yet I feel wary, she reminds me of someone, I know she isn't her but...Whatever I can do, I shall help her if she ever asks me for help, as long as it is nothing evil or treacherous.

The Winds of Change are blowing, what drow need now, is hope, may the Moon Dancer guide me.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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13 Mirtul 1355


After being nobody, dead, for 115 years, I finally know who I am, I finally know why I am here, I was meant for this, I finally understand this road, I am not dead anymore, I dont want to die anymore, finally I am awaken, I know the truth about everything,it was not easy...Oh Quinn, you are just like Parhlebum....A real friend...no longer will I ever use again the word abbil, at least never with my true friends, what do I have to do?

I am just missing so many details, so many answers, I feel encumbered, a gigantic task ahead of me, I know my chances of success are low, I know I might die but I dont care, maybe I can inspire others to rise up, even if I die....I already started, I need to plant the seeds of rebellion, even if victory is not mine to be had.

I want to make Eilistraee proud.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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17 Mirtul 1355

The cycles pass and so do I, I wander these dark tunnels in search of something outside, defeat is in the air and black omens of death march towards me in tandem with those who remain with their eyed and ears closed.

You are one and nothing else, change yourself and hope it sticks, nothing more and nothing less, there is no battle to be had in the tunnels, but inside, for the inner darkness is far more consuming and whitering than anything else you can find outside, I know this.

How do I know if I have beaten these demons? An empty bottle of wine seems to calm it but only for a moment before the next one or the next one are called upon, this is a monster that cannot be fought with a sword, yet it can kill me in the same way a drider can.

I have discovered that no matter how many people I met and I get to know, they don't know who I am, a light of my own I dont have, so I keep close to those who are enlightened, hoping that with their own light I can find my way, if only for a split second, alas, I fall into the darkness and sink every passing day.

I cover my face, but even when I dont, I still cover who I really am, a blank slate I try to be, but this hunger, the massacre, I need another bottle of glow wine, hoping it sates my thirst for blood.

Blessed be those who believe in Her, I would be dead without you.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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18 Mirtul 1355


this entry is written in surface common


The spider calls, many answered, it is happening and there is nothing I can do, Xeyn and the others are strong, everything moved, the Quellar looks back to normal (at least from the outside) and whatever chance I had to do something is gone now. I am not sure what happened after they fought the illithid, but they have surely revovered now and just made their display of strength.

This neverending darkness is getting closer and closer, I dont know what to do with myself.

What can I learn from the night above? I felt like an animal up there, hiding, running and surviving, if that is what the eilistreeans promised, I dont know what to think, this the beauty and life that was denied to us? Down here its hide from the drow, up there its hide from any kivvil you see, maybe my faith is weak.

How do I know who approach? They would probably lynch me...The rivvil Emigro told me, they dont want my kind up there...Down here they dont want my kind either...And I dont even know who I am, my heart is tired, it moves nowhere, how can I follow my heart like this?

I am not following my blood either...maybe I can just linger, stasis, survival, just like in Mantol-Derith...I wonder if there are more survivors from House Teken'duis...Am I the only one? It would be easy to say that heresy is the reason why Lolth disfavoured them. Maybe it was my fault they all died and failed.

I wonder where my faith will lead me, maybe I just want to stop it, maybe I go to her when I die, whatever, I need a drink.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Renor Streea, this will be my new name now.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Without Eilistraee we are nothing.
Let there be eternal moonlight.
Eternal prime.
Protect, serve, progress.
The first, the true.
Strength lies in unity.
Faith carries us, faith protects us.
Intelligence, humility, honor.
Honor binds us.
They owe us, they must listen and see.
Hand in hand, steel on steel.

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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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2 Kythorn 1355

What is a drow?

This question was asked to me by a parchment I saw outside S'shamath.... And it put me to think.
I am very overwhelmed by everything, I wonder what would happen if I go live in the surface... I have been thinking that maybe I could live there alone, in the wilds, away from everyone, I would hide during the day and come out to hunt at night, alone, I could do this, I have located the big cities and settlements in this place, so they would be very easy to avoid, my test was very succesful and things could be good for me...
No one to talk to, no one to work for, just me and myself, I wish Parhlebum was still alive, he would know what to do...He always had every answer, he always showed up when I needed him, he always had something to say and always knew when not to say anything and just be good company...I miss the old earthsoul fondly... He was a loner, like myself...an earthsoul wizard...
How did he even get started on that path? He was one of a kind and I will mourn him forever, he was very old, it was not my fault he died, or so I keep telling myself, he looked fine before, but then all that spellcasting he did to save him really took a tax on him and his old heart.

But he is gone, and I am no longer alone...It is just so hard to trust these drow...But my heart tells me to do it, even when every idea, thought and concern that my mind makes, I still feel this strong pressure on my chest whenever I start thinking about leaving them, anxiety?
I felt this before, but not like this, this is different, why do I care what happen to them?

Vieice probably thinks inside her that I am weak for the things I told her, she has shown more strength in a few cycles than I could ever hope to gather in my whole life, how is she so strong? How can she do this?

Kron'zar is like me, she does not speak much of herself, but I was curious and still asked...Is it because I care for her? Of what she thinks and her story?
She is one of the best mages I ever met, she is smart and her skill with the sword is great, I am happy she is not my enemy.

Quinn, I wish I could understand more the questions he asks me, sometimes they are too complex, but I always try to have an answer for him, I always try to make him feel better, he did the same for me...

I wonder if she is like this when she is alone...What does she think about? Does she worry about us? About her drow?
We all follow her, my heart tells me to trust her, but my blood tells me that I must run away and hide, I feel this urge, like when I was a youngling, hiding always meant safety for me...Even if for moments, these scars still hurt a bit sometimes, not the same pain as when it was inflicted but... They feel painful, especially when I am around them...The spiderwalkers.

I wonder if they know who I am, maybe someone from Menzoberranzan will come and tell them that a heretic of Quellar Teken'dui escaped and is still alive...I wonder if she wants me dead...I cannot die, this would make her happy, and she is my mortal enemy, down in the crypts of the drow, she feasts on their souls, it is Her who lives in my open wounds...I must not bleed!

I cannot abandon them, Quinn, Dhaun, Kron, Ssinyrr and Vieice, we must stay together, to be strong, to be able to make it through, to keep hidden from their eyes, they have many and ears too, I must pretend, they must think I am one of them... even if every passing second I keep thinking, of every possibility, how can they know who we are? Who am I?

A failed sacrifice to Lolth. I am a dead man walking.


---------------------------------(( Next page)) ---------------------------------

Those surfacers are strange...But Vieice seems to care about them, this Je'stance, he guided us, but then he trusted her...Maybe he is afraid of her, maybe he is planning to kill us when we lower our guard, cannot tell yet. But this Michael Dunn was most intriguing, he knew of Ssinyrr...Will have to question him further...I dont trust surfacers that much... Same for Terri and the Masked Tiefling...I seen that mask before...Why do they want to help? Terri says she is Eilsitreean.... I wonder if this is a trap or her heart is true, I am not sure I want to risk it, but in the end, this is Vieice's decision.

I am glad that Ssinyrr stumbled upon us first before stumbling upon any other drow...Did Eilistraee guide her?
There is no other explanation, if she made it this far, in this crippled state, this must be proof of the grace and power of EIlistraee, after all, she is an honored warrior of Eilistraee, this gives me a bit of faith...

Dhaunshalee is very intelligent, she taught me a lot in a single day, she confronted me, when I was being a child...When I cried, I wonder if they noticed I was crying...Last time I cried was when Parhlebum died, more than a year ago, and me and him been friends for years...She helped me return to reality, back to the material plane, where I belong, not on the Moon, for now. I hope I can die a good death and maybe she considers me worthy.

Or maybe I am just looking for a way to get myself killed...But no, I have them now, they are the closest to a family I ever had.

Then why did I cry when I told them what I was feeling...Does this makes one weak? Is crying a weakness?
This is what happens when I stop hiding, when I stop hiding my feelings, becacuse speaking of this will just turn me into a child, a crying child...Then again, what kind of child would have survived the pain I have, travelling the Underdark alone for so long...

...Sometimes I would spend days without saying a single word...Hunters don't talk, they kill.
Yet I feel like I have so much to tell them, so much to share, so much to do together...Why? What is happening to me?
I am a dead man, maybe I am clinging to this illusion that is left in place of my life, are they fighting over me? These dark thoughts I have.. All I know is death, all I know is killing and hiding, this served me very well but..Maybe I can trust others too?

I stil instinctively expect one of them to stab me in the back while we are fighting, so I keep tabs on them, but this is more a reflex, something that I have always done and always helped me to stay alive...I have killed so many drow, yet I could never harm these...and even a rivvil and a half blood...Why?

And then, there is Mehbrien, the silent jabress, why do I think about her?

She uses the Draa Velve style with a grace and skill that I never saw before, she could probably match a Master of the Melee-Magthere easily and win, she could probably win the Grand Melee if she wanted ... I think she hangs with me because she will use me as a escape plan if things go wrong, she can use me as bait, she is smart and skilled...A very deadly combination, I don't think someone as strong as her actually needs the help from someone from me, maybe just canon fodder, but still, just by watching her fight, I learned a lot, but her complete style is out of my reach, I know myself and my body, I am too heavy to fight like her using rapiers, she uses poise, finesse and reflexes to fight, and the way she can deflect blows using her rapiers, she has no match... well, maybe the giant drow Xeyn...

Xeyn...I finally had the chance to see the giant drow fight, I don't think I could stand 6 seconds fighting against him without getting badly hurt or killed in a single blow...His voice is so powerful and commanding I could feel the vibrations on my skeleton, it's not what he says, but how he says it, his voice, his tone, he must be from Menzoberranzan, I seen other sargtlin that might try to emulate him, but not one like him...I must avoid him and the Quellar at all costs but not too much or else it will be too obvious for them ...lest they fed me to their Bebilith...His dreaded eyes, I could only look at them for a second, if I had looked at his eyes for longer I am sure he would have seen the fear on my face...It is good when I let myself go, when I deliver myself to the fickle mistress called Battle and Death, this is probably the only thing we have in common, that we are both warriors and we are both ready to die.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer »

21 Kythorn 1355

Much has passed since last time I wrote on these pages.

Freedom, is something that I now know I can give, yet it is a fruit that I will never be able to savor, for my blood. It is ironic, that these people we saved, probably don't even understand why we did it, with many not even believing us. "How can a drow not worship Lolth? How can a drow be nice? This must be a trick" I don't know if they will remember us fondly, I still remember their namess and will keep them close to my heart forever, as I bleed for them and fought for them, for their freedom.

Freedom, I think I will never know the same freedom these slaves know, to be able to go around without covering their face all the time, to feel the wind and watch the sun as it rises and falls with no fear, such is the way of life, but I cannot complain, my companions of the Circle of the Song are wonderful people, though I have learned the meaning of TRUST thanks to Vieice, now many new doors are opening for me, everywhere, though I also know that not all the doors lead to a good place.

I have a lot of work to do, so much to do. . . but I keep having the same nightmare, with the same beast, an abyssal spider, a bebilith, I kill it and then it keeps coming back everytime to my dream, the same one, everytime stronger. . . My reveries have not been very pleasant.



A drawing follows the journal entry on the next page:

Image
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Who cares



everyone wants to have their own private conversation, it is strange to be surrounnded by so many people and still feel alone.

what's the point then?

Maybe this was all a mistake.


"After this page, the next 7 pages are just several versions of the same drawing"

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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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*The journal is burned in the darkness of the tunnels of the Underdark by a hooded drow.*
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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(( RENOR VUZAER new journnal sstarts here, so if he shows your character his journal, this is the first entry, old one is ashes)))

Day 1

I bought a new diary, writing is something that helps me vent, but I needed to burn that diary, my obessesion growing with those things is not going to lead me anywhere.

This cycle I met two new drow and an orc, they were quite curious, me and Lyra'ssandra helped them find their way around the city. We trtaveled around the tunnels, collected some mushrooms, I found a good looking armor but a goblin was wearing it and it stinks horribly, I think I will bbetter sell it to the duergar.

We showed them around the west tunnels and then the area around Rockrun.

Vieice thinks that I should stop trying to negotiate or make others feel unwelcome, I have faith in her, but not always trust for the people she brings, masked surfacers, mysterious people, they are afraid of us and afraid of others disccovering we work with them...

Fear of doing the right thing, fear of doing good, fear of Eilsitraee and the Gods.

Because we are drow.
We are the scourge of the Underdark, everything that is wrong with the world.

There is no care, it gets darker and darker everytime.

Peraphs I should escape to the surface, escape from the dark...
...No, that would mean abandoining those who need help...

These surfacers, I don't trust them, just like they said before, they just keep walking in circles, they are scared... not like the other one, bbut he walks a fine line, a dangerous one.
Last edited by Balthomer on Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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