=Reflections and Duty=

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Alexander Holgart
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=Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Worst Fear=


"I am sorry Alex..."

"He is dead. An arrow to his heart..."

"He fought for the Gauntlet, he died for the Gauntlet."


But I wasn't there. I was powerless. He died, I could do nothing to stop it.



"Good night Alex."

"Useless mercenary, piece of filth... you were supposed to protect her...!"

"Someone paid you to put poison in her drink?!"

"Go away from this city, don't come back ever again!"


Again, another loved one lost. Again I could do nothing. Again, I was powerless.



Is this going to happen again? What am I supposed to do?

I try so hard to be the shield that is needed.
I cover myself in the best steel and the equipment.
I train my body to its limit.
I face otherwordly threats.

And I now stand, in pieces.
My sword hand shattered.
My voice taken.
My body weak.

Again, danger will knock at the door.
Again, I will watch it do its bidding.
Again, I will be powerless.

Is this my test?
Is this what this is all about?
Is this what my mind is meant to learn?

Face my worst fear.

If this is the path, I will walk it.





Last edited by Alexander Holgart on Tue Jun 22, 2021 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Holy Task=


Why is this happening to me?

They keep telling me that I have been Chosen.
They keep telling me that I have a task to fulfill.
They keep telling me that I will make it.

But what am I supposed to do?
What is my task?
Is there a task?

I don't think there is a part for me in this.
My ability to fight effectively has been taken, as well with my voice.
I have been deprived, not empowered.

The visions tell me that the Heavens shall bring Justice.

I am not required.
If I was, why take my means to see this solved?
Others are moving the pieces on the board.

Perhaps my lesson is to learn to step back.
Perhaps my lesson is to follow and protect.
Perhaps my lesson is to raise my shield and stay silent.

Who do they think I am to receive a task by Torm Himself?

I am a sinner, my role is to serve.

My role... is to atone.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Within the Flames=


As we approached the Temple I slowly started to feel it.
It started like a breeze made of fear and doubts.
It became stronger, and stronger, like a storm.

I started to slowly lose awareness of those around me as I walked inside.
The storm was all around me, I could feel it but I was not moved by it.
Their words became like whispers and then disappeared into the storm.

I could see the flames at the centre of the Temple.
I walk towards them, I can hear something behind me, as if being called back.
I can only see and hear what is before me.

Something was keeping me standing in front of the power of the Lord of Murder.

I approached the flames and I looked into them.
He was there, the one from my vision.
Something triggered in my head, I had to try and reach him.

Some would call it Faith, others would call it madness, but I reached into the flames to get him.

The flames burned my flesh through my armor like the metal wasn't even there.
I can feel my skin and muscles burning but I cannot stop.
If there is one single chance that he is in there, I have to get him.

I reach out, an incredible force throws me away but he is not in my arms.

Another vision?

I saw him.
He is alive.
I must find him.







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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=The Growl of the Beast=


I see nothing but darkness around me.

I hear steps, something big is walking around me.

"I know why this is happening to you."

"What is happening to me?"

"Your God wants me to come out."

"You? Who are you?"

I see the beast revealing itself, a massive wolf like figure with deformed horns.

"You know who I am."

"There is no way The Loyal Fury wants you to take over me."

"Are you sure? Doesn't Torm want you to kill your enemies? I can help you with that, you know I can."

"I don't need your help."

"But you do, look at you. What is even left of you?"

"Enough to keep fighting."

"Lies. You can't do anything apart from harming yourself or end this altogether, sometimes you even think about it."

I cannot reply.

"It is a matter of time, I will break free. When that day will come you will feel reborn, you will never feel powerless again. I will help you."

"Leave me alone...!"

The Beast grins and withdraws into the shadows.

Another nightmare.






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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Meaningful Death=


I have been thinking about death.

When I think about death I usually think and worry about others dying.

I have been wondering on the meaning of a meaningful death, as in the Broken God's Dogma.
I have been wondering if my acceptance for that line of the Dogma is genuine.
I have been wondering if I want that to happen to me.

Do I seek death?

I feel that my desire to protect others is genuine.
But I also feel like I need to pay for my past actions.

Is my suffering "Holy"?
Is it sacrifice if I seek to suffer to punish myself? If I seek to die?
Am I doing this to myself in sick attempt to cause my own demise or am I truly moved by the Virtues of the Triad?

What is sacrifice and what is weakness?

Now my mission brings me in front of perils that could make me face death.
I cannot allow myself to linger in weakness and desires of self destruction.
There are lives on the line, I must succeed, this is another trial I have to overcome.

Allow me to be the instrument of your Justice.

I will be your sword and shield.
Yours to command.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Pilgrimage=



I feel pain.

I feel angered.

I feel betrayed.

No matter how hard I try to annihilate myself into my own duty, I am still lacking.

I thought I could trust people that I now know I cannot, and it hurts.

I cannot trust those who are close to me either, I cannot trust them to understand me.

My Duty will bring me to them again, sooner or later, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.

But perhaps the fault is mine, in assuming I would have been understood, even without my words.

Regardless, perhaps this is what The Loyal Fury wants.

My eternal penance, if this is the way I am meant to pay for my sins, I will accept it.

If I have to suppress myself within this suit of armor and become nothing but an instrument, I will.

And there will be nothing to cause me pain.

Nothing to make me falter.

Nothing to make me doubt.

Nothing of me.

Just a vessel, a fitting penance for me.

I will seek enlightment to the South, by the Tomb of Ser Daern of Hawksroost.

May the Triad guide me.











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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=The Guardian's Grave=




Courage, Justice and Perseverance.

Among the three words of the Mantra I see Perseverance as the most representative of the Ilmatari Faith.

Perseverance holds together virtues like Temperance and Endurance.

This is why I came here, The House of The Broken God.

The Grave of Ser Daern of Hawksroost, personal guard of The High Mistress of Worthy Suffering, Althea the Abased.

I am sure he would have been of great inspiration in my path to become an Instrument of the Triad.

Sadly, only cold stones remain of him in this world, and so I am here in prayer hoping to find answers.

I can't go back to Baldur's Gate and keep failing, as I always have.

They speak words of praise, but they don't know what they are saying.

I am flawed, I am sinful, and if I can become a small fraction of what this man was, I will be honoured.

No matter the hardships I face, I keep doing the same mistakes.
No matter how hard I try to annihilate myself, my flaws keep re-emerging.
No matter the support I receive, I keep dishonouring the care I am given.

I beg you, show me direction.








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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=The Face of Justice=



I keep wondering on the balance between Mercy and Punishment.

We like to call that balance... Justice.

But despite having a clear name, its true meaning is volatile.

What is the true face of Justice?

I could find as many ideas of it as there is people in this world.

How far can our efforts go before overstepping the line between us and tiranny?

What lives can be taken in the name of a greater good?

I often believe myself not ready to answer those questions, my sword has known the blood of the innocents.

I should not be answering those questions, but it is in my path to try.

One thing is certain, I cannot find joy in this.

Even when my blade fell on the Chosen of the Lord of Murder, there was no joy.

Delivering Justice should never be done with joy.

The act of doing it implies that there was something wrong to rectify.

Perhaps I should use this as my anchor.

If I will ever feel joy and relief with the idea of delivering punishment, I will leave the choice to someone that doesn't.




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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=Just and Fair=




The last month has been different.
I have spent most of my time reading... debating... considering.

I wanted to do this to find answers but the more I delve into it the more questions I have.

Are we mortals even capable of grasping the idea of justice?

Tiranny and hypocrisy feel so close when administering justice and making decisions on the fate of others.
But I know, I know that the law is what keeps our society standing, there must be someone doing it.
Can we reach a state of mind that allows us to make such decisions with absolute fairness?

Do we need to reach the Divine to find answers?

My path to become a Knight of the Triad feels steep, now that I have no enemies before me, my only obstacle is understanding.

The simplicity of solving problems with valor and strenght cannot be the only part of me, it would be unacceptable.

I don't want to be a brute filling his mouth with words he does not understand.

I must persevere.






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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=Back in Action=




I have spent the last few months learning, studying.
In a way, it has been refreshing... not to feel the call of the sword for this long.
Do I regret spending this much time away from my usual duties?

I will admit that my mind lingered on this thought... but in the end... I do not.

The well of knowledge in our minds is as useful as our steel.
I cannot say that I have grasped all that there is to grasp, from the Tyrrans.
But I must accept that it will have to suffice, for now.

I have been away from the field for too long.

There needs to be a balance between feeding the mind, feeding the body and follow my duties.
What has been learned will be cherished and nurtured into higher awareness and consciousness.
But I cannot keep myself into the Temple hoping to grasp something that even the highest priests of the Maimed God cannot.

It is time to step outside again.
Whatever mistakes will be made, I will take responsibility.
I am not infallible, I will never be.

May The Triad show us the Path of Wisdom.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

Unread post by Alexander Holgart »

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=The Lord of Murder=




Again, descending into the vileness of the Undercity.
The torment of its inhabitants.
The echoes of ancient sins.

I felt that something was different.
Having more with us didn't put me at ease.
Something was there, watching... waiting.

Her voice spoke the prayers but the silence, this time... answered back.

Blood began to flow from the walls into the room.
We gathered ourselves around her.
And then it came, arising from blood and darkness.

We had His attention, and He sent His Servant to slaughter us.

One by one, everyone around me fell.
A vile painting made with the blood of His enemies.
All was lost, it was the end.

But right when I was about to abandon Hope, my heart was shielded, my courage restored.
It was me and Sean, the bodies of our friends and allies around us, the enemy before us.
The only way out was to take what was left of them and run from that pit of darkness, and we did.

We ran back to the surface, covered in blood, my armor falling apart.

The Lord of Murder made it clear, that he will not allow any further disrespect into His own House.
If we are to do this again, we will have to be beyond ready, one does not take chances with the will of the Gods.
For now... I am just glad that they made it back alive... that they breath.

Glad that she is still with us, ready to do this again.

The Triad be our witness, we will not concede, we will not bend.
We will succeed or we will die trying.
Blessed be Triad.




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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=The Second Chance=




I keep struggling on grasping the balance between mercy and retribution.
I lack structure, I feel like walking in a dark room.
Testing my steps one by one, hoping not to fall in a pit.

I simply cannot continue doing this.

When is mercy deserved?
When is it just a manifestation of my own weakness?
When is it me, finding excuses not to strike?

I cannot afford being merciful to everyone crossing my path.

But what then?
How do I understand?
My instinct surely cannot be enough.

I cannot do this without offering the same chance that was offered to me.

If it wasn't for her... I would feel alone in this sentiment.
I look around and I mostly see people ready to kill and punish.
I see it so much that I start to question if what I am doing is what I am meant to do.

But... I have to stick to my cause if I believe it is right.

I will offer it, the same it was given to me.
I cannot deny this to others, it is beyond me.
If the Triad finds me at fault, I will honour their Judgement.

One chance... take it or leave it... I cannot afford giving more than one.

As much as I would like to forget it, the sword also has its place.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=Failures of Men=




In the teachings of the Triad I have found much comfort.
I was pulled away from my old mindset.
It was difficult to see anything worth fighting for in this world.

Now... I am facing the opposite issue.

I found something to fight for, something I believe in sincerely.
But what is the immediate consequence of that?
What is the price I am paying for faith, comfort and purpose?

My mind sees the same things... but from a different angle.

The constant failures of men were granted, for me.
The world was a constant show about the failures of mortals, perhaps even some of the Gods.
My faith was lacking, if non existent, I just had hope... hope for something to change.

Something changed.

Now the same things do not give me that sense of... sadness and despair.
They give me anger, instead of backing away from it I want to set it aflame and rebuild.
So much corruption... selfishness... hypocrisy and greed.

We look outside of our city walls like we know what's right.

"Stand ever alert against corruption. Strike quickly and forcefully against rot in the hearts of mortals."

The Dogma, the Word of Torm Himself.
The more I approach the Triad and its teachings... the more I see the rot.
We cannot hope to fight it in places like Darkhold until we oppose it within our walls.

The rot is in Baldur's Gate, under our very eyes.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=This Life of Mine=




Now that I am responsible for the growth of a young man... I have stopped to look back.
Stopped to look back at my past... to find answers.
What made me who I am? What should I teach him?

What worked with me and what went wrong?

If I look back... Alexander Holgart has many faces and identities.
The troublemaker child that would not listen to his carer.
The boy who wanted to fight for glory and become like his father.
The terrified and weak young man, devoured by war.
The fighter... the murderer... the bodyguard.

And then... the Knight.
The last one is what I want to teach him... but I am also all of the others.

People would say that I am strong, dutiful and reliable.
But I am a victim of my own anger, unseen by most.
People think I am wiser than I actually am.

Most of the time I am clueless... I just act by instinct... I am barely making it.
Though for some reason they keep telling me that I'm fine and people look up to me.
They are wrong... the faith and my shiny armor don't make me any special...

I am a clueless man... walking the path of faith... hoping to make the right choices.

How can a clueless man raise a young man like Jonathan?

I will have to do as I have always done... follow my instinct... and hope for the best.

The only thing that's changed... is that I cannot throw my life away anymore.
Not as easily as before... that boy relies on me... he has lost enough.
I can't let him down... but I am a clueless man... I might fail.





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Alexander Holgart
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Re: =Reflections and Duty=

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=The Illusion of Success=




A round of applause.
Compliments, support.
A Queen, impressed with my speech.

This is what success looks like.

But what is success?
Can this be considered success?
What is success, for me?

The truth is that nothing has changed.

Good words and a round of applause will not make anyone's life better.
Many expressed how amazed they were by what I did.
I don't need that, that's pointless.

I want this city to be better and what I've done made things worse.

The Dukes deflected my speech masterfully.
The Flaming Fist now hates me.
I have gained support among criminals, apparently.

Any proposal or change from me will now be met with resistance.

I have shot an arrow on my own foot.
But everyone is praising me.
Everyone is applauding.

They don't see the fool beneath the shining armor.

They think I am special...





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